In OKC today... for the last 2 days... and I've really enjoyed my time here. But as of last night I began feeling a little somber, and I can't quite put my finger on it this time around. Part of me loves being here, loves seeing my friends and family (no matter how nutty they are), but part of me feels this city is sticky with the past. It's like I can't quite shed everything I want to when I'm here. It's like... party confetti. (bear with me) it's fun when it explodes and showers you with colored bits, but then days later, when you still feel hungover, you find pieces of it in your sock, in your hair, and just the thought of it makes you sick to your stomach. you can never really SHED that stuff. so, I feel like I'm not quite myself when I come back here.
Could I have changed that much since I moved to Muskogee just 7 months ago? (wow 7 months. I've lived in Muskogee longer than I lived in Murfreesboro Tennessee, many moons ago. but the Gee has flown by, and the Murf felt like eons and eons) Could I really have grown that far away from the past and everything that's still here in OKC? I suppose so. Great trials often bring great change. but great change can often bring great relief. so is that what im feeling? relief? perhaps. maybe thats actually a really good solid thing.
isn't it funny how sometimes people who you don't expect, can actually change the tone of your day? i came into the OKC office this morning, and my boss handed me a paper from his church because he thought it was cool. It was the serenity prayer that we've all heard a million times. but what was cool about it, is there is a second half of the prayer that I'd never heard before. and it helped to cheer me this morning:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this simple world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen."
talk about a little clarity. the hardships were just paving a pathway to peace. and im finding that peace. or maybe i already have found it. it just gets fuzzy sometimes around the edges.
i dont want to live a life that has bitterness, or resentment, or unforgiveness... i hate those pesky things. so i choose to forgive, in hopes i too will be forgiven.
perhaps real love is when someone says "take your time coming home" ... think about it and all it means. when you're away, whether its just been a busy day of work and meetings and you're late coming home, or whether its been a week out of town, and your loved ones say "take your time coming home"... come home when im ready. perhaps thats the stance we should all take. that's something i need to be better about. and today is a new day. (oddly enough.. thats the name of a song by the band Fun. and its a delicious song.)
"How did I end up here?
How did I find love and conquer all my fears?
See, I made it out. Out from under the sun.
And the truth is that I feel better because I've forgiven everyone.
Now I'm not scared of a song or the states, or the stages.
I'm not scared. I got friends, took my call, became courageous.
Now I feel like I am home.
She is here and now I think she's ready to go.
So come on with me, sing along with me, Let the wind catch your feet.
If you love somebody,you'd better let them know,
Take your time coming home."
i think its funny how therapeutic writing is. even just scratching out my brainstorming here in blog form (forgive the chaos of this one.. im not going back to edit or anything) but now i feel so much better. and i think i'll come home tonight. im going to spend the evening with my brothertwincousin, then enjoy a nice drive East. looking forward to being home. :)
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