There's two options: CHANGE it, or DEAL with it.

I try to stay positive in general. Actually, the truth of it is I usually don't even have to try. Being positive, optomistic, and cheerful is just in my nature. But every single person, no matter how naturally-cheery, will go through some crap from time to time.

My crap began Wednesday of last week, and didn't entirely get itself OUT until Saturday of last weekend, when the complete breakdown occurred... and then I spent Sunday and Monday trying to inwardly heal, and Tuesday and Wednesday finally outwardly healing. So that's one week lost. Lost? Perhaps not. Because I feel strength in the comfort of asking for help. I feel strength in the support of 2 of my closest friends in the world. And I feel strength in having my boyfriend behind me, supporting me, telling me he loves me and it will all get better in time.

So how do I inwardly heal? I make lists. =) Yeah, I'm that person. I obsess about organization in most aspects of my life (whether its my daily To-Do list at work, or the alphabetical DVDs at home) so I thought why not organize my healing process, to minimize the time it takes me to bounce back, and maximize the rebound I'll experience once I get there. So I made multiple lists. Things I hate about Muskogee. Things I love about Muskogee. Things I hate about myself. Things I love about myself, etc etc. I tried to focus on the LOVE lists the first day, to remind myself why I'm here and why I'm me. The second day I focused on the HATE lists, but in a positive light. I decided that for both hate lists, I had two options for each line item: either CHANGE it, or DEAL with it. Simple enough.

So... here we are on THURSDAY, and I'm already feeling SO MUCH BETTER. Thanks to Daniel for so graciously and lovingly putting up with the explosive melt-down on Saturdray, and for ultimately cheering me up with positive words of encouragement and strength, and finishing out the night with an amazing sing-along last night. (Oh you wish you had been there!)

And now the journey of "getting settled in" in Muskogee continues, but with more of a structured approach. I've always been a private person when it comes to details of my life, never wanting to show signs of weakness or vulnerability, and I feel like although it's wise to guard your heart, and keep your emotions in control, it's also brave and building to share in your troubles, with people who love you. Soooo... if you're reading this blog (all 2 of you I suspect haha) then chances are you love me. =) So that's why I'm using this avenue to get out some of the truth and guts about what is really going on with me.

So here's the plan going forward. (This is scary, coming out and saying all this stuff...) I'm going to start seeing a counselor, to talk about some of my struggles, and learn how I can adapt to change and control my emotions better. I will also be making an effort to get out more, meet more people my age, and spend time building friendships with other girls. Chances are good that I will post more about these challenges in future weeks, as I progress (hopefully!)

More to come soon. (oh, and thanks for reading.)

"Every flower that ever bloomed, had to go through a whole lot of dirt to get there."